The Gift

A few days ago, someone messaged me asking if we could meet at the school where our children attend. This lady and I don’t know each other well. Basically just Facebook lives and a smile and wave when we see each other.

I started posting and sharing my recovery and journey to fitness. Since then she has sent me a few beautiful messages commenting on how my life changes have touched her and given her a push to make some positive changes in her life.

Those messages meant a lot to me and allowed us to wave and smile to each other and also comment on Facebook posts more allowing us to move from acquaintance zone to friendly.

I was intrigued what this mystery meet up was about. I was excited as I thought that her fitness changes and new love/hate for running had prompted her to enter a running event in 2020 and she was sharing this news with me! But it wasn’t. It wasn’t about her, it was about me.

This lady really doesn’t know me or what goes on in my day to day life or my struggles. She only knows what I dare to share with the public. She told me had come across something online and thought of me.

My teenager tells me, “you know you have really touched someones life when they see something and immediately think of you.”

This gesture, this gift actually impacted my life I am sure more then she had intended. For this gift came at a time when I desperately needed something to hang on to.

not everyone’s favorite time of year…

You see it’s Christmas. Not only do I not love this time of year, I dread it. It is hard on my heart, my soul and my head. It brings up emotions and sadness that I have yet found the strength to deal with and let go of. More then this, this is my first Christmas that I have been both sober AND clean. I am scared, I am trying to keep myself together and it’s hard.

When we put our tree up this year, I had to leave the room a few times to breathe. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t decorate it right away. I try so hard not to be a downer. I try to smile and make it fun for my family. I know I am not doing a great job with this. I attempt to do better every day. Some days I win at this. Some days we all lose because of my inability to find joy.

Things we used to love to do together, games, baking, decorating, Christmas movies, I am having a harder time with this year because I am no longer numbing. I am trying to find new ways to enjoy the season. Some days I just get stuck in my own emotions.

I have a “homesick” feeling, a pit in the bottom of my stomach and it is so heavy. Mostly, even though I have people around me who love me, I feel alone and I feel scared. Alone because they don’t understand and I can’t find the words to explain. Scared that I am going to mess up, give in and lose my sober date. If I lose my sobriety, I lose everything.

Which now brings me to The Gift. It’s funny how the universe, god, the powers that be, whatever you want to label it, really does have your back. In this month, the hardest month for me, I was given a token which means everything…..

We met in the parking lot, she got out of her van and seemed a little nervous, as was I. It turns out neither of us are great in social settings (did not know that about her and would never have guess it. Another reminder about judging… thank you universe)

She started her explanation on what brought us here. She had been looking for a bracelet for her son for Christmas and ‘stumbled’ upon this site called Halo-Missions. The lady who started this organization found herself dealing with addictions, turned her life around and is now helping other women who are in recovery . These women, who are in various stages of their recovery make the bracelets out of guitar strings to sell. The proceeds from the sale of this jewelry are used to supplement their incomes.

Then my friend gifted me with my own Halo bracelet made from guitar strings by another woman who is fighting her own demons.

Just like me.

Suddenly, I know that I am not alone anymore for when I look at my wrist I am reminded of another woman, who is on the same journey as I am. That she has amazing empowering days. Just like me. She also has days when she has to pull herself together and plaster on that smile. Just like me. Total strangers never meeting physically, but our energies are now entwined through these guitar strings on my wrist.

This gesture, is so huge I am overwhelmed with emotion. It’s a beautiful warm emotion this time. I hope my friend realizes what an impact she has had on me this Christmas season and how much her gesture has meant.

Funny how things come to us. This came to me at the exact moment I needed it the most, from someone who I never would have imagined gifting me with something so valuable. I love how this magical stuff works, it absolutely blows my mind.

So thank you my friend from the bottom of my heart, you are truly my angel this Christmas.

For more information on this amazing organization…

May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

JRR Tolkien

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