My Coyote Totem

I told my ego to bugger off today. I drove to our local hospital, where we have a Wellness Clinic. This clinic is there to help people with addictions of all kinds, drugs, alcohol, shopping, sex, gambling, food, you name. My therapist recommended it to me. She thought it was something I could really benefit from. All I really knew about this clinic, was that they offer programs unlike your typical AA meeting. I thought I would give it a try. No commitment, just a try. Not that I am anti-AA, I am going to give that a go also, just at a later date.

I have put this visit on my agenda almost everyday for the last 18 months, always coming up with a reason why couldn’t make it. I didn’t realize or maybe I didn’t want to admit it but the reason was my ego. Total ego and fear. Fear that if I go there and ask for help, I am admitting that I am completely powerless to this. (that would be step one of the 12-step program) I mean, I know that I am powerless to it but I thought I had a better grip on it and I could do this alone, my ego doesn’t like being reminded of that failure.

I had planned on being there at 8:30am when they opened. Instead I went to get groceries, and then I decided I should go on a few other errands that I didn’t need to go on…. Damn it I am delaying it again.

I headed towards the clinic an hour and half after my plan. Then I sat in my car in the parking lot, sweating and checking my email, Facebook, texts, then finally I had a cry and went in.

I didn’t look up at anyone. I registered, picked up the phone outside the locked clinic door, dial the ridiculously long number and someone let me in.

I was greeted by a kind, older lady who ushered me down to a really warm room, or maybe it was just me, where we started to fill out paperwork. From that room we went to a larger cooler room, it wasn’t just me. A student nurse came in and took my vitals, which are absolutely amazing by the way. She stayed with us to “observe and learn.”

Questions were gently asked. Some I answered with a detail that made my cheeks wet and some I could only give short to-the-point answers.

It’s funny how twisted and fucked up my life sounds when I explain it out loud. Sometimes the person listening gives me a look that says “holy shit, no wonder you drank” but it is just a normal baseline for me. I guess I never thought it was different then anyone else. I mean we all have shit, perhaps some more then others or perhaps we just don’t share it allowing everyone think we live a different life then we actually do. You know, those beautiful Facebook lives we all follow making our own lives seem sadder or harder.

When the questions and intake were completed, the sweet lady said her goodbye and then the next counselor came in, who just happened to be an acquaintance of mine. Hmmmm, for a second I wasn’t sure how I felt about this but then he smiled warmly and welcomed me. Then I actually felt good about seeing a familiar face. We agreed, what happens in recovery stays in recovery. In this room we are counselor and addict. In the real world when we see each other, we are friends and we were to never combine those two worlds. Kinda like Vegas but the opposite activities!

With that aside, we dove deep for 30 minutes into what his program entailed and what I was in need of. Basically, it is open 365 days a year from 8:30 to 7:30 Meditation is from 9:30 to 10 and 1-1:30 with a meetings before and after. Basically, what I need is accountability, a recovery family and tools. Tools to help me find ways to conquer these cravings and triggers….

My summer commitment is limited with a child at home but in September I will be able to attend many meetings and meditations, or perhaps that is just another excuse for me to delay it further?

Guy (that is what I will call my counselor friend) and I share the same spiritual thinking and read the same books and have very very similar beliefs. I think this just might be a good fit for me, we shall see.

One of the things he mentioned was walking in nature being great for the healing process. I explained to him I love to do that daily but I was a little uncomfortable walking alone, after having 3 encounters with a coyote recently. The little guy decided to join my dogs and I for short portions of our hikes. He followed along at a close but safe distance. I looked around but I didn’t see any of his buddies and he was not aggressive, just curious but still a little unnerving as I am deep in the woods when this occurs.

Upon hearing my story Guy quickly went to his phone with the enthusiasm of a child and I said “I know you are looking up the spiritual meaning of this, I did too!! ” We laughed.

Basically all the sites point to the same message, which goes a little something like this…

For the most part, coyote symbolism is reminding you to laugh at yourself. In other words, things have been entirely too serious of late. Therefore, you simply need to let loose and get on with it. Coyote symbolism insists that you stop dwelling on your worries and stresses and let them go. Furthermore, since you have asked for the help, you have to get out of the way of yourself. In particular, you just let go and allow your spirit helpers to do what they need to do. Specifically, coyote meaning is signaling you to do something that gives you pleasure and joy and focus on the positive for a change.

Well, mind blown. Could that be anymore bang-the-frig-on? I think not.

So I have my new coyote friend even telling me to chill the fuck out and stop stressing. I asked for help, now stop fighting it and receive it, damn it!

Okay, okay I am going to sit back and see how it unfolds and stop trying to be in charge all the time.

I am now officially registered to attend any meeting, any day between 8:30am and 7:30pm. Well, that wasn’t so bad and to be truthful, felt a little good because now I am not in this alone anymore I have a tribe, a tribe who is just as messed up as I am, maybe more, maybe less.

I didn’t stay for a meeting on this visit. The intake was emotionally enough for one day, but I do feel a little lighter, a little stronger knowing that I summoned up the courage, reached out and I have a plan.

Recovery is not one and done. It is a journey that takes place one day, one step at a time…

unknown
I realize how much I need a recover plan now because I know what scares me to death,
Having to change my sobriety date…
Light and Love xo

4 thoughts on “My Coyote Totem

  1. Kudos to you Debbie, Bea keeps sending me links to your texts and I really enjoy reading them. I don’t have the same affliction that haunt you, but believe me I have my lot of issues I need to deal with. Your essays are very inspiring and I find a lot of wisdom and humility in them that help me put things into perspective for myself. Thank you for being your honest self and helping me see myself the way I am.

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    1. Thank you Roland. This really means so much to me. I believe that everyone has some issues that need attention on some level and by sharing our stories we give strength to others. Thank you

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  2. I have just read everything you have written. It’s amazing, raw, painfilled, inspiring, honest and so much more. We all have our demons, seeing you conquer yours should give us all hope. Much love.

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    1. Thank you so much Melodie. This really means so much. Much love to you

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